Stupid Questions
by Cloudhead
Summary: Axel is getting a little tired of stupid, awkward questions from Roxas and Xion. He's so tired of it, in fact, that now he's taking it out of the rest of the Organization. This is a minor AU where Castle Oblivion hasn't happened yet, and the Organization is fully staffed. Platonic AkuRokuShi. Rated T for the occasional very awkward question. COMPLETE.
1. Stupid Questions

**To Raberba Girl, for inspiring this project and sparking my interest in fanfiction again.**

**DISCLAIMER: Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. I do not stand to profit from this work from any way. Trust me on this—if I owned Kingdom Hearts, I'd be making them work faster on KH3. :)**

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**Stupid Questions**

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"Axel…"

The Flurry of Dancing Flames sighed and braced himself for yet another stupid and probably awkward question from Roxas. He liked the kid, and Xion too. He really did. He'd be willing to die for either of them, which was saying something, considering he didn't currently have a heart with which to grow that attached to people.

But a man can only handle so many questions from two naïve, innocent, cuter-than-a-kitten kids before he reached his breaking point. The speed at which one reaches this breaking point is proportional to the ratio of awkward questions to normal questions, and the equation definitely favored the awkward questions in this situation. This perpetual, annoying situation.

But what was he supposed to do? Send the kids out into the wild and wonderful world without him? We would never admit it, but he had contemplated this idea before. He had seriously considered just telling Roxas to look it up on the internet or something when he asked about a certain bodily procedure after hearing its name uttered by Demyx (who had soon after turned into a human campfire). But he couldn't bring himself to that. Roxas and Xion were, in some odd way, like his own children, and that meant he had to follow the duties of a father, even if that meant answering questions he didn't want to answer.

Plus, the idea of Roxas seeing the internet explain _that _little thing terrified him more than the scariest spooks in Halloween Town.

His own questions played in his mind: _Why did I adopt the two cutest things in the Organization? Why did I think it was a good idea to become a father to these kids? Why did I—_

"…What's tapioca pudding?"

Axel sighed in relief. This was something he could answer. "Tapioca pudding is a kind of food. It's a little like that fudge I made us one time, but a lot creamier. It tastes like vanilla with a dash of coconut. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I was sitting around bored, and Luxord gave me a page of comics and told me to entertain myself. One of the comics had a dog who said he never gets tapioca pudding in the infantry. That reminds me-what's the infantry?"

That night, Luxord found that his favorite card deck had been turned into a pile of ashes.

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**I hope you enjoyed this short story. There **_**will **_**be a second chapter (it's already partially written, in fact). If you want to see Axel react to more stupid, possibly awkward questions, feel free to send in ideas. Reviews are always appreciated.**

**And for the record, Axel told Roxas he'd understand the 'bodily procedure' when he was older. The infantry question… well, take it as a free prompt, I want to read the result. :)**


	2. Question and Punishment

**Just wanted you to know, this fic is meant to ease the reader into a larger series, starring our two favorite Keybearers. The events in this fic are meant to explain why Axel only appears occasionally.**

**Again, many thanks to the awesome Raberba Girl. Read her story 'Christmas at the Castle'. Seriously, now. I'll wait. It will blow your mind, I promise.**

**You back? Good. Now enjoy.**

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**Stupid Questions, Part Two—Question and Punishment**

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The next morning, Axel convinced Saix to host a meeting with exactly one item on the agenda—the fact that everyone was providing Roxas and Xion with stupid questions to torture Axel with. Extortion may have been involved.

"Okay," he said after everyone was assembled. "I know you all have fun giving Rox and Xi lots of questions about life, the universe and everything. However, it has to stop, because I'm the one who has to answer those questions."

Xigbar snorted. "And why should we care what you think, Number VIII?"

"Because I can turn you and all of your most prized possessions into smoldering charcoal."

Number X scowled, and IX just squeaked in terror. Saix had allowed him to make this threat—when the Keybearers were asking stupid questions, they were not collecting hearts. The fact that the questions didn't really affect their missions didn't seem to matter—maybe Roxas had started bugging Saix, too? Even the official Organization assassin shuddered to think.

"Here's the deal," he continued mercilessly. "Every time one of our Keybearers gives me an odd question, I ask them why they're asking. Trust me, they'll tell. If I find out it was you they got it from, one of your prize possessions gets burned by the Flurry of Dancing _Flames. _If you don't have an appropriately valuable possession, or if the question is especially awkward and uncomfortable, _you _get roasted. If you want to troll me, you better have a sacrifice."

Vexen protested. "That's not fair in the slightest! It isn't _our _fault those blithering idiots don't know a thing and have to ask you everything."

"Would _you _like to explain things to them? Because I'm considering that as a punishment for chronic offenders."

The Chilly Academic shut up. As much as everyone hated the new rule, they hated the idea of answering the questions of the 'stupid brats' even more.

"Well," Axel concluded, clasping his hands together. "I'm glad we could come to an agreement. Saix and our beloved Superior approved this, mind you, so either prepare for a large ash pile in your room, or make sure XIII and XIV aren't in earshot when you start talking about adult subjects."

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The first day went according to plan. For the first time in a long while, Axel didn't have to answer a single question. He went to bed peacefully that night, not a little smug that his master plan had worked so well and so quickly. He got a little too comfortable with the idea of question-free ice cream eating.

Unfortunately, he was speaking too soon. That was the only day that would go according to plan.

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Vexen, feeling quite resentful about all this, decided to push his luck.

On the second day of the One Question, One Scorch policy (as Demyx had nicknamed it by this point), Vexen searched through all of his science experiment kits and found the one he loathed the most. It was clumsy, hard to work with and wasn't capable of much. He took a sticky note and wrote the following:

_I'm sorry, Axel. Burn this one. –IV_

He then racked his brain for a question awkward enough to make Axel mad, but not so awkward that the Chilly Academic wouldn't be so chilly anymore. After finding a good one, he set off Keybearer hunting.

He did not approach Roxas—that kid wasn't _so _stupid that he'd trust Vexen about this story. He instead approached the puppet, Xion, who was a little more gullible. Vexen wouldn't usually stoop to this sort of low, but this was war, at least in his mind.

He found the girl in the kitchen, trying unsuccessfully to open a Pepsi. This would be a hard task for anyone (those bottles were sealed tight), and to Xion it might as well have been welded shut, especially with the gloves she had oddly kept wearing, despite their obvious impediment to the task.

_I knew it, _Vexen thought evilly. _If she's that stupid, she's stupid enough to fall for my story._

Actually, she didn't know she was allowed to take them off if it wasn't bedtime, which, given how serious Xemnas was about the uniform, was a perfectly reasonable assumption. Axel would have realized this, but Number IV was that annoying kind of person who assumes that he is obviously the only smart person in the worlds. Besides, it fit into his plan perfectly.

He walked up just as Xion was about to resort to shaking the bottle until pressure buildup popped the lid off (her logic was perfect—it was thinking the consequences through see needed work on). Vexen made a flourish with his right hand, took the glove off it, picked up the Pepsi bottle, and, smiling, pulled off a show of force just as impressive to Xion at the time as taking down an Infernal Engine—he opened the bottle.

After he poured two glasses (he actually hated the stuff, but he needed to appear 'hip' if this was going to work) and passed one to the girl he would never do this for if it wasn't for an agenda, he gave his best smile and said, "Your welcome, in advance."

Xion was more than a little stunned. One would think that she would be immediately suspicious, but again, she hadn't received the don't-trust-anyone speech from Axel yet, and was therefore slightly more gullible than Roxas. So, instead, she moved Vexen from her mental 'jerk' list to her 'potential ice cream partner' list. "Uh… Thanks," she said rather sheepishly.

"No problem," said Vexen, as he moved to the final stage of his master plan. "Say, Xion, do you know what a fetish is?"

She pondered the question. "No, but I guess they're… no, I don't know."

Vexen had to force himself _not_ to grin evilly. "I don't know, either. I'm sure Axel knows, and I would ask him, but he's so busy, and you see him much more often, so I was wondering if you could ask him for me and report back with the answer. I'd be very grateful…"

Xion smiled and nodded. "OK, I will!"

The Trolling Academic decided he would do an evil cackle in his room. "Then we shall part ways, young one…"

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In hindsight, the outcome was inevitable.

Vexen RTC'd later than usual due to a Giant Heartless in Agrabah. He was quite tired, and was prepared to sleep soundly, knowing he had managed to annoy Axel and declutter a little in the process.

So imagine his surprise when he found _all _of his science equipment melted to goo, except one. It was the very one Vexen had tried to get rid of, with a new note attached to it, written in bold, red ink:

_NICE TRY_

As he just sort of stood there, as if catatonic, Xion walked up innocently. "Axel said that I shouldn't use the word because some people don't like it. He didn't say why. He also said I shouldn't trust you."

"…"

"…Vexen, are you OK?"

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**Now **_**that **_**was fun to write. :)**

**I hope you enjoyed. Be sure to review if you did—or if you didn't, if you'll be nice about saying it. There will be two more chapters, to complete the story arc, so if you haven't sent in a stupid, awkward question yet, you only have today and tomorrow to do so. And if you **_**still **_**haven't read 'Christmas at the Castle', just do it now. Just trust me here. You'll love it.**


	3. Heart of the Question

**And here we are again, with more questions for poor old Axel. Once again, I cannot sprinkle enough thanks onto Raberba Girl—this very humorous project would not have happened had I not discovered her genius. Her review was something of a fanboy moment for me. :) And thanks to LightBlueLightning and DragonSilhouette for ideas I would not have thought of on my own.**

**Lest I bore you until you fall out of your sitting position and onto the floor, we shall begin now.**

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**Stupid Questions, Part Three—Heart of the Question**

**Or, Axel Loses His Cool**

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"Axel…"

_Something is going to burn. Something is going to burn. Something is going to burn._

"…Why is forty-two the meaning of life?"

_Something is still going to burn. Something is still going to burn. Something is still going to burn._

This was what the mind of Axel sounded like when this question was raised by none other than Roxas. For while this was a fairly innocent question, it had come during a very odd time. Namely, during a meeting.

Axel knew that an act of stupidity so blatant could only be the doing of one of the eleven coworkers he was not so fond of. Of course, it was entirely possible that Roxas had done this on his own accord, but the general pattern of behavior pointed against it—he was usually at least smart enough not to ask stupid questions during meetings.

In addition, while Xemnas hadn't even noticed (when he got into a good monologue, he became the proverbial unstoppable force—this was the one and only time Axel was thankful for this) and Saix was already calculating potential damages from Axel burning things, the rest of the Troll Committee was trying to stifle giggles or snorts, as if they were schoolchildren making faces behind the teachers back. Even Lexaeus had a smile on his face, which was a rare sight indeed.

After a quick "We'll talk after the meeting" to Roxas (who was now red in the face, realizing his mistake), he ran down his list of suspects. He quickly eliminated Xaldin and Lexaeus, who were too serious for this sort of thing. Vexen was pretty high up on the list of suspects after his attempt to turn Axel into a free trash can, but he was fairly certain that even the arrogant jerk would have learned his lesson the first time. Demyx had been cowered into becoming quieter than the Silent Hero when Roxas and Xion were in the room. Marluxia had never read that famous book, and Larxene refused to deal with the Keybearers at all.

That left Xigbar, Zexion and Luxord. Xigbar loved to troll everyone every chance he got, Luxord was resentful after his card deck had been burned and Zexion had capabilities for evil beyond the rest of the Organization.

_Oh, Zexion, _Axel thought, contemplating how many ways he could kill something with his fire. _If you've been poking around in that kid's head, your demise will be slow and painful…_

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The meeting went on for another hour, as the Superior blabbered on about Kingdom Hearts and Keyblades and whatnot, and Axel planned creative ways to punish his suspects. Roxas just sort of sat there, head down, face glum, which fueled Axel's fury even more. He had another policy on trolling—make the kids act so stupid that they realize how stupid they've been and kick themselves over it, and it was going to get very hot in the perpetrator's room very quickly.

When the meeting dispersed, Axel met Roxas in the hallway. "Still wondering about forty-two?"

Roxas just nodded.

"It isn't really the meaning of life. It's a reference to a good book. I'll give you a copy sometime. Why do you ask?"

"…I don't know."

"Don't give me that. Did you think you were on the clocktower?"

"What? No."

"That's all I need to know. Thank you. And before you ask, no, I'm not mad." _Not at you, anyway, _was left unspoken.

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To fully understand just how furious Axel actually was, one must compare it to similar situations before what would become known as the _Axel Lost His Cool Incident. _Whenever Number II called Xion 'poppet' with Axel in earshot, he got a death glare that would scare Jack Skellington. Last Halloween, when the kids had been scared out of their wits by Demyx's pranks, the Melodious Nocturne hadn't sounded melodious at all, for his hair was on fire. When one of Marluxia's plants almost ate Roxas, his whole rooftop greenhouse had burned down.

These tales pale in comparison to the events described in the following text.

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Xigbar was reading some gun magazine or another when his door was blown open. It had not been thrown open, or kicked open. The Flurry of Dancing Flames had actually _blown the door down _with an explosive blast of flame. Distinctive red chakrams hit the wall with a resounding _thud._

Normally, such a dramatic entrance would have been reserved for a full-blown rescue operation. So would have the look on Axel's face, a look clearly honed to kill man, or at least make man wet himself. One would not think it would be over embarrassing a friend of his—one would immediately assume an act of war had been committed.

Indeed, no one comes to blows over a prank. It had been all the pranks, over a long span of time, each one adding more pressure to the volcano that was Axel until the eruption. If there was one real emotion Nobodies were still capable of feeling, it was pure, unstoppable anger. Xigbar knew immediately that he was in serious trouble.

To his credit, Number II did not instantly run for his life. In fact, he barely looked up from his magazine, which probably escalated the situation even more. Xigbar didn't feel terror even when he did have a heart, so the drama was a bit like screaming at a brick and then thinking it will run away. Axel didn't care. He incinerated the magazine, forcing Xigbar to look up at him.

"Okay," Axel said in the meanest tone of voice he could manage. "Clearly you want to get roasted."

Xigbar drew himself up to his full height, which turned out to be the same as Axel. "What are you talking about?"

"You intimidated Roxas, didn't you? You cowed him into following along with your little plan to embarrass me, and then not telling me it was you."

"Why would I do that? What motive would I have? What purpose would that serve? Despite what you seem to think, hothead, our lives are not entirely focused on making you and your little pets miserable."

"It seems to be quite a hobby, that's for sure. And trust me, if you call them 'pets' again, this is going to get ugly."

"Would you rather I called them tools? Or perhaps toys?"

Various things happened very quickly. Within the first two seconds, Xigbar's good eye was bruised and his coat had spontaneously combusted. By the third second, the room was mostly ablaze. It has been said that the noise of the confrontation was heard in Atlantica.

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Xemnas had been absorbed in looking at Kingdom Hearts dramatically, and his trance-like state probably saved the whole Organization.

Xaldin had been practicing with his spears. When the noise started, the spears dropped to the floor, and he grit his teeth hard. "Stupid Dusks…"

Vexen was doing what little science he could with his limited set of tools. Too bad the experiment was highly sensitive to sound.

Lexaeus noticed, but didn't react. There's a reason he's called the Silent Hero.

Zexion was having a hard time reading with all the commotion, and went off to investigate the noise.

Saix sighed, gave up on trying to do paperwork for the day and calmly dark corridored to the closest place to the noise he could estimate.

Demyx threw his sitar on the ground mid-song, jumped under his bed and didn't come out again for hours.

Luxord smiled slightly as he kept playing solitaire. He could guess what was going on.

Marluxia went to 'chat' with the noisemakers. They were disturbing the plants, gosh darn it.

Larxene, her nap rudely interrupted, stomped across the castle to investigate herself, too mad to think of dark corridoring.

Xion immediately assumed a full-blown Heartless invasion was under way, summoned her Keyblade, dropped everything (including the sandwich she had been about to eat, which made a large mess on the floor) and ran off.

Roxas jumped at the noise, and then slumped in his seat for a bit before getting up to go deal with the situation himself. He knew _exactly _what was going on…

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This, my beautiful friends, is how it came to pass that Zexion, Saix, Marluxia and Larxene were all in the same room staring at the same horrific sight, Xion was making a mess swinging her Keyblade randomly, Roxas was tearing his hair out and Axel and Xigbar were at each other's throats. All while multiple things were on fire.

This fiasco was a feast for the eyes, truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience for any onlooker. Any being looking upon the scene must have thought a truly dramatic event was happening, that war was breaking out or some hero was wreaking mighty vengeance. Yet, once you know all the events leading up to it, it becomes a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Though war had broken out, it was a pointless war. Though there was mighty vengeance being wreaked, it could hardly be called heroic.

The height of this incident was the few seconds when there was just silence. Xion had stopped swinging her Keyblade (though it was still poised to strike), and those gathered just stared in horror at the almost cartoonish scene.

Roxas was the first to break the silence. "You're not going to like hearing this, Axel…"

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**Cliff Hanger! Hanging from a cliff! That's why they call him Cliff Hanger!**

**Yes, the exciting conclusion is almost upon us, the punch line to this mighty joke. This fiasco just sort of emerged from my head as I was writing, and I like to think I did admirably. Remember, reviews are always appreciated. Stay tuned, same Cloudhead time, same Cloudhead channel…**

**And I am NOT calling myself an idiot! ;)**


	4. The Last Question

**Sorry this took so long, unexpected things cropped up. But it's all sorted out now, so you can finally see the end of the story that has reminded me of the joys of writing fanfiction, got me out of my general Writers Block Rut and brought me back to my childhood days of playing Kingdom Hearts, AKA the Most Awesome RPG In The Universe.**

**Thank you for all the praise—it truly brings joy to my heart to see people enjoying my writing, which I usually don't let anyone see, for the very fear that they will hate it. It does help that the KH section seems to be review-happy. :)**

**What? I wrote a hundred words in the AN?! I need to stop stalling and get to work. Thank you all, especially (as always) Raberba Girl.**

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**Stupid Questions, Part Four—The Last Question**

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We return to the chaotic scene which we left. Four Organization members staring in not-horror (they'd need hearts for that, probably), Xion being somewhat unhelpful with her Keyblade, Roxas having a full-blown 'what-have-I-done' moment and Axel and Xigbar just about ready to break each other's bones.

Also, everything was on fire.

Such situations never end well, and this was no exception. Saix had that look on his face, the one that almost always preceded a severe reprimand. Roxas was the first to break the silence, probably to make sure Saix got the whole story before he started thinking about sending Axel solo against a Giant Heartless and revoking his ice cream privileges.

"You're not going to like hearing this, Axel," Roxas said, sighing deeply.

The Flurry of Dancing Flames turned to his tiny, cute, innocent, clueless Key of Destiny. Realization hit Axel in the face before the kid could even speak.

"Xigbar didn't have anything to do with this," Roxas continued, after a brief pause. "I saw some kids in Twilight Town joking about it, and I had no idea what they were talking about, and I figured you had to know the answer, because you know all the answers, you know? I was so bored at the meeting that it kind of came out without me thinking. I'm really sorry, Axel."

Axel was furious at Roxas. For about two seconds. Because, really, how could anyone stay mad at a cute kid who is making such a sincere apology, especially when that kid meets you for ice cream every day? It is simply not possible.

So fury turned to pity. _Poor kid, so clueless, thinking I know all the answers… _This feeling, too, lasted about two seconds.

After that, the pity turned to sheer terror. This feeling (_Why am I feeling, I don't have a heart, I'm not supposed to feel…_) was just a little bit more long-lived.

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After the flames had been doused, Xigbar had been healed and everything had been put back in its proper place, Axel sat across from Saix in the large bedroom that doubled as an office. The chair was extremely uncomfortable, which had probably been intentional on Saix's part. The Luna Diviner's office chair also made him look just slightly taller.

"Now, then, Number VIII," Saix said, sighing for five hundredth time that week. "Can you tell me why you tried to kill Xigbar and burn down the Castle That Never Was?"  
>"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds a lot worse, now doesn't it?" Axel muttered.<br>"Nothing could possibly make it any worse, except maybe throwing in a rampaging puppet. Oh, wait, there was a rampaging puppet."

Axel clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. That was the last straw. "It wasn't just the question, you know," he said, anger flowing through his body.  
>Saix raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "Really? Do tell, Number VIII."<br>"Xigbar called them pets. Tools. Toys. I'm getting really tired of everyone in this stupid Organization treating Roxas and Xion like inanimate objects. And you do it to, calling Xion 'puppet' and 'it', like she's a marionette or something."  
>"Xion was specifically created to achieve our goals. You are getting too attached to it, and—"<br>"You just did it again!" Axel was shouting now. "I don't care what she was 'created' for, she is a person, and so is Roxas, and I won't listen to you until you refer to them as such!"

The two stared each other down for a moment. "You're far too sentimental towards… _her,_" Saix said, clearly straining against both habit and contempt. Rising frustration and anger was probably part of the mix as well.  
>Axel took a deep breath. "That's better. I take full responsibility for the whole incident. I'll pay for everything, including what Xion broke, out of my own pocket. I will also accept any further punishment you choose to give me."<br>"Oh, you're actually accepting punishment. That's a new one."  
>"It's amazing what happens when you stop and act nice to people for a change."<p>

Saix sighed in exasperation before continuing. "Of course, I am going to have to take away the authority I gave you to scorch the other members and their belongings."  
>"I understand that, that's perfectly reasonable." Saix suspected Axel was faking that one, but he at least made an effort to make it sound sincere.<br>"I believe no further punishment is needed, since I have removed the source of the problem. You are dismissed, Axel."

As Axel left the room, Saix called. "I still don't approve of your attachment to them."  
>"As long as you dislike them as people and not objects, Sai, I don't care."<p>

The Luna Diviner sighed, staring at the massive damage estimate in front of him. Then he got up and wandered around the castle until he found Xigbar. "Number II," he said calmly. "May I speak with you in my office for a few minutes?"

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Everyone other than the Keybearers treated Axel a bit like a wild animal for a while after that. Even the kids were just slightly more careful. Even he admitted that this was understandable. But, as always with such things, there was a silver lining. With the absence of a social life with the rest of the Organization came the even more notable absence of stupid questions. Roxas and Xion still asked questions of Axel the All-Knowing (that's how they thought of him, anyway), but they were almost always easy to answer and never came from a fellow member. Axel could deal with not interacting with his jerks for coworkers if it meant he didn't have to answer any questions.

There was one odd incident in the days afterward, though. The trio was eating ice cream together at the clocktower once again when Xion started talking. "Axel, can I ask you a question?"  
>Axel sighed, and braced himself. "Go ahead. I promise I won't go berserk on anyone this time."<br>"What's love?"

Axel had _not _braced for that. He choked on his ice cream for a moment, before sadly thinking, _Here we go again. It always comes around at some point._

"Xi, I'll answer that on our next day off when we have a _lot_ more ice cream. Why do you ask?"  
>"I overheard Saix muttering to himself. He says… he says you love us."<p>

That night, Saix was quite perplexed to find the word _Correct _written into his desk, clearly scorched in by fire.

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**THE END**

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**Yup, that's it. I realize this chapter is, in many ways, a deviation from the humorous tone of the rest of the story, but this came out of my head just as the fiasco in the last chapter had, and it seemed like a fitting way to end things. I felt like I had to address Xigbar's jerkish comments in the last chapter, and it took off from there.**

**So what's next? Not to worry, KH fans. This writer has plenty more in store for this awesome trio of trios, from weird noises to decluttering. Actually, that's what I have planned for the next two fics, in that order. :P I've accumulated several index cards of plot bunnies, many usable, and I plan to use as many as I can for writing this awesomeness. Oh, and the RokuShi series? I think I'll hold that off until later, but it will come within the year, I promise you.**

**Thank you for your continued support and praise. I will find a way to use the questions and other ideas you submitted me, one way or another. :) Remember, reviews are always appreciated.**

**Thanks for reading, and tune in next time!**


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